District & Sessions Court
Case No. 431/Mon/2026
The State
vs.
The Tree
(Age: Approximately 70 years. Occupation: Photosynthesis.)
CLERK: All rise!
(The audience rises. The Peepal Tree doesn’t)
CLERK: Your Honour, the accused refuses to move.
DEFENCE: Milord, My client has roots.
JUDGE: First of all, it’s My lord. And, let the record show the accused is standing in spirit.
CLERK: The Honourable Court is now in session. Case of State versus The Tree. One count of criminal negligence, three counts of culpable homicide, and five-hundred and forty seven counts of obstructing hardworking people going to office.
Opening Statements
PROSECUTOR: Your Honour, the State will prove, beyond reasonable doubt, that the accused, a tree, towering menacingly over innocent taxpayers, did wilfully, knowingly, with deep-rooted malice, fall upon an innocent man killing him instantly.
DEFENCE: Objection, My Lord, "deep-rooted malice" is not a recognised legal term.
JUDGE: Sustained. Mr. Prosecutor, this is a courtroom, not a poetry slam.
DEFENCE: Your honour, we plead not guilty. In fact, my client is the victim here. The defence will show that there could be a number of reasons the tree fell. Illegal construction, poor drainage, wind, lack of tree maintenance, bad civic infrastructure.
PROSECUTOR: Objection, your honour.
JUDGE: On what grounds?
PROSECUTOR: None of them are on trial. The tree is.
JUDGE: I wonder why. Well… Sustained, I guess.
Witness No. 1 - Hawker in the lane
PROSECUTOR: How long have you known the accused?
HAWKER: I came to the city, 20 years…
PROSECUTOR: Just answer the question your asked, don’t give your origin story.
HAWKER: 15 years.
PROSECUTOR: Did you ever suspect it was planning something?
COMMISSIONER: It just stood there quietly.
PROSECUTOR: Point to be noted, your honour. The accused was waiting, lurking, biding for the right time.
DEFENCE: Objection! My client is a tree. Lurking is literally all trees do.
JUDGE: Sustained.
Witness No. 2 - Meteorologist
PROSECUTOR: What were the weather conditions?
METEOROLOGIST: Wind speeds touched 90 kmph with intense rainfall.
PROSECUTOR: And yet several lamp posts survived.
METEOROLOGIST: Many of them didn’t.
PROSECUTOR: Please answer only the questions that strengthen my argument.
DEFENCE: Objection!
JUDGE: Sustained.
Witness No. 3 - The Wind
COURT CLERK: State your name.
WIND: Whoooooooo…
(Everyone laughs)
JUDGE: (bangs the gavel) Order. Order.
DEFENCE: Mr. Wind, did you push the tree?
WIND: I did not.
DEFENCE: (angrily) Yes, you did.
WIND: You are barking up the wrong TREE.
DEFENCE: Your honour, can we instruct the witness to not use tree related humor?
JUDGE: (snickering) The witness will limit to answer what is asked.
DEFENCE: Well, Mr. Wind. Where were you on the night of the murder?
WIND: Let me recollect. I was supposed to be working at the beach, but I’ve been doing that for ages. So I went inside the city. You see, I am trying to BRANCH OUT.
DEFENCE: Your honour…
JUDGE: Mr. Wind, control yourself.
DEFENCE: Isn’t it true that you have been indicted before for many counts of harassments and instigating wardrobe malfunctions?
WIND: That’s all in the past. You can say, I turned over a new LEAF.
DEFENCE: I am done your honour. No more questions.
Witness No. 4 - The Road Contractor
DEFENCE: Isn’t it true that road widening damaged the tree’s roots?
CONTRACTOR: I don’t recall.
DEFENCE: Here’s a photograph of a JCB digging around the trunk.
CONTRACTOR: It’s AI-generated.
DEFENCE: Here’s CCTV footage.
CONTRACTOR: That’s Deepfake.
DEFENCE: Here’s your own Instagram Reel captioned: “Road widening. Nation building. #Development.”
CONTRACTOR: My account was hacked.
DEFENCE: Your honour, this witness has turned hostile. (to contractor) You have been bought. Who’s paying you money to say all this?
CONTRACTOR: Pay me? You know, money doesn’t grow on TREES.
DEFENCE: Your honour, I am telling you WIND is behind all this.
Expert Witness - Arborist
PROSECUTOR: You are an Arborist. A scientific expert on trees. Tell me this, isn't it true that trees, by their very nature, are tall?
ARBORIST: ...Yes.
PROSECUTOR: And isn’t it true that tall things can fall?
ARBORIST: That is a property of physics, not the personality of a tree.
PROSECUTOR: No further questions. I believe I have made my point.
DEFENCE: What point? He agreed that gravity exists.
PROSECUTOR: Again, my lord. Gravity is not on trial. The defence’s own witness has confirmed that the accused is tall. It knew what being tall meant for unsuspecting people walking below. The tree is guilty. I rest.
Closing Arguments
PROSECUTOR:
Your honour, if history has taught us anything, it’s this. People don’t die because of poor planning. People don’t die because skipped inspections. People don’t die because roots were chopped for construction. People don’t die because unplanned drainage.
People die because… trees exist.
The tree is guilty. Remove the trees. Problem solved.
DEFENCE:
Your Honour… My client has stood peacefully through fourteen governments, six municipal commissioners, three master plans and one Smart City project.
It gave oxygen free of cost. It reduced pollution. It provided shade. It housed birds.
It asked for absolutely nothing.
Then humans surrounded it with concrete and severed its roots. My client is innocent.
Verdict
JUDGE: Having heard both sides, this Court concludes….
“STOP. Wait your honour…” A man walks into the courtroom.
JUDGE: Why does this always happen? Who are you?
MAN: Sir, I am a billionaire. I have something to say… before you give the verdict.
JUDGE: This is highly unusual. Whatever you want to say, say it in the witness box
BILLIONAIRE: (takes the stand) Your honour. For years we have been sold this propaganda about trees. They are treated as holier than thou. I ask why? What is so great about the trees? They take carbon-dioxide. It is literally their food. If anything, they should be thankful to us. And what else, they give oxygen. They don’t give us oxygen in benevolence. It’s their by product. Its a gas that accumulates in them. We are basically inhaling tree farts. The defence says, they don’t ask anything in return. They do, your honour. They ask for very precious real estate. Trees are legacy infrastructure. We need a more efficient system. If we need to progress as civilization, we need to get rid of trees. Our company has a great product which converts Carbon-dioxide to Oxygen. You can get the best oxygen for a monthly subscription. We call it Oxygen-as-a-Service. The tree is not only guilty, it is unnecessary.
JUDGE: In light of the testimony and all evidences and considerations, this court finds The Tree GUILTY on all counts.
Effective immediately all trees will be culled. The court also instructs the government to sign a contract for oxygen generation with the Billionaire.
COURT CLERK: All rise.
The audience stands.
The Tree doesn’t.
Still standing. Unlike the tree. Subscribe.
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Yeah, unfortunately this is where we seem to be heading. Hope it remains satire.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece!! The writing is so witty. Tree farts 😂